Nobody
by Jenstarz
Summary: COMPLETED. AU. What if Monica and Phoebe had never met, and Phoebe was still on the streets. What happens when Phoebe meets a generous stranger. PC & RR
1. Nobody

A/N Well something really new for me, an AU Phoebe/Chandler fic so bear with me. This fic is going to be updated slightly more slowly than my previous ones just to be warned. Massive thanks to David for proofing this for me *hug * and for sharing my luby obsession  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own them, any of them, so don't sue me.  
  
Prologue  
  
As the sun slowly set, escaping behind the trees, she lay her head back on the grass, the wind brushing over her face as it carried on it's endless journey, she silently prayed for it take her with her, to allow her to keep moving. The wind always seemed so careless, so free. Her thoughts were interrupted as laughter broke over the park, echoing around, taunting her. She could never be happy, she could never laugh.  
  
People rushed past, with somewhere to go, something to do; a feeling she'd forgotten over the past few years. She longed for a sense of belonging; she didn't need to be here. She didn't need to be anywhere; she hadn't needed to be anywhere for a long time. All these people, as they walked past quickly, averting their eyes away from her, they meant something to someone, they had a purpose. Phoebe didn't. She was nobody.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"That is so not true!" Rachel laughed, perching on the edge of the couch at Central Perk. "C'mon Mon!" She asked her friend for backup, but Monica shook her head, still laughing.  
  
"I'm staying out of it!"  
  
"I do not sing out loud, at least not when I don't realize it!" Rachel tried to argue once again.  
  
"I hate to tell you this but the man's not lying," Chandler said, gesturing to Ross who had his arm casually round Rachel's waist.  
  
"Yeah we heard you the other day," Joey said, "in your apartment."  
  
"You were killing us softly," Chandler quipped with a grin, ducking as Rachel playfully swiped for his head. Chandler went up to order another coffee, and as Rachel walked off to clear the tables; a comfortable silence fell over the group.  
  
***  
  
She sat, slowly humming to herself, staring intently at plastic cup in front of her, as it began to fill up with water, the rain beating down on the back of her neck, as her head hung low.  
  
A leaf blew across the path, smashing into the cup, causing it to fall over, the water splashing free across the concrete. The feet passed by quickly, a sea of umbrellas and raincoats, the sound of people grumbling filling the air.  
  
A strand of hair fell into her face, water slowly dripping off the end, as she pushed it out the way, she noticed someone standing in front of her, and slowly a coin fell from his hand, landing a few feet away, but Phoebe's eyes never left the cup.  
  
***  
  
"Ugh," Chandler shook his head, water splattering around the apartment, until Monica caught his eye. "Sorry," he said with a grin, "Wasn't thinking,"  
  
"That's ok," Monica said, grabbing a cloth and wiping the table free of the droplets. "Raining?"  
  
"How'd you guess?"  
  
"Just call it a 6th sense," Monica laughed, and Joey walked out of the bathroom.  
  
"Anything to eat, Mon?" he said, rubbing his hands together gleefully.  
  
"Help yourself," she sighed, lowering her voice and mumbling to Chandler "as if I could stop him,"  
  
"Yeah," Chandler laughed, sitting down, "Where are Ross and Rach?"  
  
"They've gone to dinner I think," she replied absent mindidly, her eyes fixated on Joey devouring lasagna. "Why?"  
  
"Just wondering," Chandler shrugged, flicking through the tv channels.  
  
"Have you got any spare change? I need it for the laundry machine," Monica asked, and Chandler checked his pockets.  
  
"Oh no, sorry, I gave my last quarter to a homeless person in the park," he shrugged, his attention fixing back on the tv.  
  
***  
  
She scrapped the coins into a pile, wiping them clean with her thumb. Cold under her touch, she held them in her hands. With her continuous rubbing, they slowly began to shine, now warm from her body heat. She opened her hand and they fell to the floor, she glanced from her thumb to the coins. That's what she needed someone to clean her up, make her warm again.  
  
Phoebe had forgotten what it was like be warm; twelve years on the streets had ridden of her any sort of warmth. She was numb.  
  
Slowly lifting herself to her feet, her knees almost buckling under the weight of her tiny frame she weakly made her way down the path. As she slowly progressed on what seemed like a never ending journey to the coffee shop at the other end, her head began to spin. She hadn't eaten in a few days; people were less generous in winter. In summer the park would fill with people, spending the days lazing there, and she would play her music, people would throw coins at her. Whether they thought she was good, or it was a sympathy vote she didn't know, and she didn't particularly care.  
  
But now, the cold truth of winter was hitting home once again, with the trees lining the path, standing stark, the wind howling between the bare branches, whipping against her face, tears rolled down her cheeks; but before they reached her chin the wind grabbed them hurling them across the path, till they were lost in the rain.  
  
Finally reaching a small coffee house on the edge of the little park she called home, she desperately tried to wipe the dirt from her face, before pushing open the door, embracing in the heat that overtook her. Brushing her hair from her face she examined her surroundings.  
  
It was a very small place, just a few tables and chairs; perhaps that's why you were only allowed to sit in there if you were drinking. She walked up to the counter, running her hand over the smooth wooden counter.  
  
"Excuse me?" A bored looking waitress drummed her fingers on her hips impatiently.  
  
"Oh... just a coffee please," Phoebe said quietly, holding out her hand, full of change and the waitress sighed, scooping it up and counting it out. As she handed Phoebe the cup, Phoebe took her seat at a small chair by the window, gazing out onto the street she inhaled the steam, letting the heat flow through her, warming her body. Her eyes, still fixated on the street outside, knowing that before too long she would be out there again. Alone again. She had been so stripped of human contact for so long; she could barely remember the sight of a friendly smile.  
  
The longer she spent on the streets, the more faded her memories became. Like a picture left out in the sun, they slowly paled until there was nothing left. She longed for the days where she believed optimism would get her through anything, that eternal happiness that seemed to spring from inside her.  
  
Life had been harsh for Phoebe, and as the days went by, the more jaded her view of the world became. The days where people would pause, in their new jackets and pristine hair, before chucking a quarter her way, just to rid themselves of guilt, tricking themselves into believing this would improve her life, expecting some sort of gratitude like they'd just handed her a cheque for a million dollars.  
  
Phoebe used to be grateful; 'every little helps', she used to smile, before continuing her song.  
  
Now she realised that little things don't help; she'd been getting little for years, and she was exactly where she was 10 years ago. Phoebe had accepted sometime ago, that she was on her own.  
  
Review please?? 


	2. Expectations

Thanks so much for all the reviews! You made me so happy. Gellershort101, I am actually a Chandler and Monica fan in the show, but find it more interesting writing about the couples people aren't used to seeing together. I've always written about Rachel/Chandler in the past, but thought I see how this story went because the idea came to me, I also like writing about Phoebe's life on the street because I don't think that's explored enough. Hope that's all you wanted to know ;)  
  
A little background info. This is set around season 1 or 2. I'm writing Phoebe as about 26. Ross and Rachel are together as you probably guessed. This doesn't follow any sort of timelines with the show, so don't expect to see season 1 characters turning up if they did on the show. Phoebe is out of character, but I've tried to show why she's difference and how living on the streets for so long did this.  
  
Thanks again to my superbly-duperly tastic proofer David :p  
  
Disclaimer: Yup they're still not mine.  
  
Chapter 2 - Expectations  
  
"It wasn't like that," Rachel rolled her eyes.  
  
"You were flirting with him," Ross exclaimed, as he poured a drink. "It was obvious!"  
  
"I wasn't Ross, honestly." Rachel said, with a smile, leaning in her lips pressed against him. "Honestly,"  
  
"Ok," Ross smirked. "I'll believe you,." Just then the door to the apartment burst open and Joey wandered in.  
  
"Guys," he nodded with a grin, "have you seen Chandler? We were supposed to be going to a Knicks game tonight."  
  
"I saw him earlier," Rachel shrugged. "I think he was going for a walk. Something's up with him."  
  


* * *

  
"Still here then?"  
  
A voice floated down to Phoebe's ears, her eyes open, and her mind asleep, blocking the world out for just a few heavenly moments before once again becoming aware of her surroundings, of the bitter cold, the stares and the whispers. For the sheer effort she made to lift her head, meeting the man's piercing blue eyes was worth it.  
  
"Where else have I got to go," she croaked, before letting her head drop again.  
  
"Home?" The man suggested, with a sympathetic smile, and something inside of Phoebe rose, like lava from inside a volcano, parted from human contact for so long she didn't quite know how to react, years of hurt, of pain exploding into one moment, into one remark, snidely made.  
  
"Very funny," she snapped, her hair falling in front of her eyes.  
  
"I'm sorry," he replied, and to Phoebe's immense surprise, he lowered himself to the ground next to her.  
  
"Why are you here?" She was blunt, and she knew it, but as the wind whipped her in the face she didn't care. She had learnt long ago, not to trust people. Not to trust anyone, except herself. He didn't answer straight away, he paused for a moment  
  
"I don't know," he answered truthfully, for he knew she could tell a liar. "I wanted to talk to you."  
  
"Why? What makes me different from the other thousand of homeless people in New York?" Phoebe asked, standing up. "Why talk to me, and not all of them? What do you want? You're expecting something from me."  
  
"I'm not."  
  
"You are. Everyone always is. You're no different, and neither am I." With that Phoebe ran off, her legs begging her not to, screaming out in pain, her frail body unable to cope with the sudden sprint, the wind against her, forcing her back towards him, but she couldn't. She had to get away.  
  
As she ran off, he paused before shouting out.  
  
"I'm Chandler," he called. Again he didn't know why, he wasn't sure she heard; if she did she didn't react. The wind had snatched it, moments before it reached her ears. There was something about her; he had to talk to her again. He had to know her name.  
  


* * *

  
"Dude!" Joey exclaimed, thrusting the Knicks tickets into Chandler's face. "The games over, we missed it!"  
  
"Oh god, I'm sorry Joe, I forgot. I was.... walking," Chandler said, sinking into the barcalounger, his head spinning.  
  
"You were walking?" Joey repeated, as if he didn't understand the statement. "Since when has walking been more important that the Knicks?" he said, with a smile on his face, but as Chandler slowly stood up, turning to face his friend, the smile slowly faded.  
  
"You wouldn't understand Joe," Chandler sighed, with the weariness of an old man. "It's... her."  
  
"Her? This is about a girl?"  
  
"I'm not sure; I don't know what it's about. But I just need to... I don't know." Words failed him, and he walked into his room, leaving Joey completely puzzled.  
  


* * *

  
"I swear he wasn't making any sense." Joey shook his head vigorously, as Monica glanced out the window. Rain was drilling down over New York, relentlessly tapping on the window, as if it was desperate to get inside.  
  
"I'll try talking to him. He's been acting so distant recently; something's definitely wrong. Maybe he..." She trailed off as the door opened, and a soaking wet Chandler walked in. Water dripped off every inch of his body, creating a small puddle on the floor but Monica didn't even notice.  
  
"I've got to... to go." Joey said, before hurrying out the door, leaving Monica along to deal with their friend.  
  
"What's up?" she began casually.  
  
"The sky," said Chandler dryly.  
  
"Joey said it was about a woman?" Monica tried a different tact, as she handed a Chandler a towel and he rubbed his face slowly, hoping his thoughts would disappear with the water.  
  
"Did he?" Chandler sighed, before finally submitting to Monica's worried glances, "I can't understand it, I just –just need to know about her. I want to see her, I miss her when I'm not near her, and I don't even know her name." He let his head lull back, staring intently at the ceiling, and there was a long pause, before finally:  
  
"Oh."  
  


* * *

  
She had seen him. He had come back, everyday. Always to the same spot. Sometimes he'd look around, for her, other times he'd just sit on the ground for a while.  
  
She didn't understand. Why her? Why did he want to talk to her again? Something inside pleaded with her to go and talk to him, but she couldn't. She refused to let herself get close to someone, she didn't need anyone, because she was fine by herself.  
  
Even as she thought it, she convinced nobody. His hair rippled in the wind slightly, as he sat on the concrete, his eyes darting around nervously. Finally she raised herself from the ground, walking over to him.  
  
"You're back," she said solemnly.  
  
"Sorry," he said, his head hung low. "I wanted to talk to you."  
  
She paused for a moment before sticking out her hand.  
  
"I'm Phoebe," she said, with a small smile.  
  
Chandler released her hand. It looked paper thin, so fragile, and he was scared he might break her.  
  
"I'm – "  
  
"Chandler," she finished for him, as he stood up. "I heard."  
  
"I didn't think you did."  
  
"That's because I didn't want you to," Phoebe smirked, walking off slowly, and Chandler followed her. She led him into a small coffee house, and Chandler ordered two coffees. As they sat there, drinking their coffee, he couldn't take his eyes off of her. She seemed to be in awe of everything around her, appreciating every sip of coffee like it was a new chance at life, sinking into the chair as though it were the most comfortable bed in the world.  
  
"So tell me about yourself," said Phoebe eagerly, and Chandler paused not knowing where to start, but Phoebe gave him a small nod of encouragement  
  
And Chandler awkwardly launched into his story. From his childhood, his parents divorce, how he hated his job; and finally his friends, and how they were more his family than his parents had ever been.  
  
And Phoebe listened with such an appetite, gorging on his life, imagining faces to these people,  
  
"What about you?" Chandler asked nervously, desperate to know more, to soothe the craving inside of him to know about this girl, where she came from, who she was.  
  
"There's....nothing. I'm just nothing. But you were saying how Ross and Rachel got together," she said quickly, her eyes sparkled with excitement, lighting up the room. Chandler knew he shouldn't press anymore, but he couldn't stop himself.  
  
"Please? Just your childhood, anything?"  
  
"I said no, alright?" Chandler looked on horrified as her eyes filled with tears and she dashed outside.  
  
For a few brief moments Phoebe had forgotten herself, who she was. She had blanked it from her mind, absorbing herself in his life, imagining herself in their situations- she was their friend and she was there. She could picture herself, and what she would say.  
  
But as he probed into her life, it hit her, like someone had slapped her round the face. She wasn't part of that family, or any family. She had no one to care for her. Sure, over the years people had tried to get close- Chandler wasn't the first- but Phoebe always pushed them away. She hated herself for doing it, but she couldn't let anyone get too close for fear they would reject her, like everyone always had. Her family rejected her, her street friends abandoned her.  
  
If she never let anyone in, she couldn't get hurt.  
  
But she was hurting. She was hurting so badly. Her heart seared with pain every second she was awake. It cried out for love. Her body cried out for someone to hold her, to tell her it would be ok. But no one ever would, because she wouldn't let them.  
  
Finally slowing down, trying to take in her surroundings, Phoebe glanced around. She saw trees, leaning in over her, crowding her. She couldn't escape; she let her legs collapse beneath her, falling to the ground she looked around once more before finally submitting to the pain, finally closing her eyes. 


	3. Lonely

"Pressure's dropping, weak pulse." A voice echoed around her, and she struggled to open her eyes, but she remained in darkness.  
  
"Any ID?"  
  
"Phoebe! Her name's Phoebe." A voice burst into the room, and she recognised it instantly. It was him.  
  
"Who's that?"  
  
"Some guy who brought her in."  
  
Voices flitted around her, drifting in and out of her mind as she pushed herself, desperate to open her eyes, to see once again. To see his face one last time, to make a memory of those eyes, that smile.  
  
"She's waking up," he said, and she felt someone grab her hand, enveloping hers in theirs, and almost at once her whole body filled with warmth.  
  
***  
  
"You scared me there for a minute," Chandler smiled, as Phoebe, propped up in the hospital bed, shifted uncomfortably.  
  
"Sorry," she mumbled, her head hanging low so her hair fell into her face, like curtains being drawn over her soul. "You can go now."  
  
"Are you kidding? I can't leave you here," Chandler said, his face suddenly serious. "You can go tomorrow, they're keeping you in one night for observation."  
  
"Then you'll leave me alone?" Phoebe asked her face gaunt and pale, her body screaming out for someone to care for it, but Phoebe was best alone. When she was by herself, she was ok, she told her self, and trying so hard to convince her mind she was right. But she wasn't, and she knew that.  
  
"No, look whether you like it or not I'm involved now, I can't... I can't just leave you to die," He said; and a tear welled in Phoebe's eye. Slowly it dropped, running down her face, leaving a streak through the dirt.  
  
"I need to sleep," she said, lying down and clamping her eyes shut, knowing she wouldn't sleep, but desperate to avoid him, to avoid the confusing thoughts rushing through her mind. There she lay listening to the sounds of the hospital, the sounds of people, surrounded by noise and chaos.  
  
Yet she had never felt so lonely.  
  
***  
  
"Morning!" Chandler walked into her room, smiling brightly, but his smile faded as his eyes darted around. She was gone.  
  
"Excuse me," he called to a nurse. "Where did that girl go?"  
  
"She left about 5 minutes ago," the nurse shrugged, turning back to her chart, and Chandler's heart skipped a beat. 5 minutes... he could still catch her.  
  
***  
  
She could hear him, calling her name, it was getting louder, and he was getting closer. But still she kept walking. Feeling dizzy and weak, but she kept walking. Finally she felt a hand on her shoulder.  
  
"Phoebe," he panted, "Please, let me help you?"  
  
"I don't need help," Phoebe said, "I'm fine." Although even as the words escaped her dry lips, she sat down on the floor quickly, fearing her legs wouldn't hold her much longer.  
  
"You're going back upstairs," Chandler said dominantly, helping her up.  
  
"Please... please don't make me." Phoebe pleaded, her eyes filled with fear.  
  
"Fine," Chandler submitted, but a nagging voice in the back of his mind told he couldn't leave her here."But... but come back to my apartment?"  
  
The idea sounded crazy even as he said it, but he had to ask, seeing the horrified look on her face he tried to explain himself.  
  
"You can just have some food or anything you want and then... and then I won't bother you again. I promise."  
  
Phoebe didn't answer, going through his words over again. 'I won't bother you again, I promise.' But Phoebe wanted him to bother her again, she didn't want to say goodbye. Not again, not to someone else.  
  
"Fine," she shrugged, as casually as she could, and he led her outside and hailed a cab.  
  
***  
  
"Hi Joe," Chandler said, as he led Phoebe inside. "This is Phoebe. Phoebe this is Joey my roommate."  
  
Phoebe smiled shyly.  
  
"You've been gone all night!" Joey exclaimed. "I was worried."  
  
"Wait," Phoebe interrupted, something clicking, "When you left me at the hospital you didn't go home?"  
  
"No, I went for a walk. I needed to think."  
  
"All night?" Phoebe exclaimed, "That's a lot of thinking"  
  
"What is with you and this walking thing dude? I don't get it," Joey said, patting him on the back as he walked past "But whatever," With that he walked out the door  
  
"What did he mean?" Phoebe's asked suspiciously, "Whatever?"  
  
"I don't... I mean..." Chandler stammered as he searched his brain for explanation for Joey, "I swear if he hasn't eaten in about 10 minutes, his brain is affected."  
  
Phoebe laughed, in spite of herself. "He seems nice," she said, awkwardly sitting down.  
  
"Yeah he is, they all are." Chandler smiled. Phoebe noticed his face light up as he thought of his friends and felt a twinge of jealousy flare up inside her, no matter how much she tried to ignore. Inside she craved for that kind of closeness.  
  
***  
  
Several hours had passed, and Phoebe had eaten a full meal and had a shower. She'd met Monica, but not Rachel or Ross.  
  
She was starting to piece together their lives, she had faces for the names, the more she found out about these people, the stronger the feeling inside her stomach became, the feeling telling her that maybe... one day she could be a part of this, Chandler's face could light up as he thought of her. The two of them alone once more on Chandler's sofa, Chandler one again decided to probe the question of her background.  
  
"So... how old are you?" he started gently, racked with nerves.  
  
"26," Phoebe answered slowly, as if she knew what was coming  
  
"So when did you start living on the streets?"  
  
"Uh..." She paused, looking into his eyes, a sea of blue, of kindness and sincerity, "I was 13. My mum... died." She pulled out at the last moment, she couldn't tell him, he couldn't know the dark secrets of her childhood.  
  
She was tainted, and she knew that. Like a cake, which a fly had landed on, the fly may have gone but the cake would never be the same. Neither would Phoebe.  
  
Before she could help it she was crying again. She used to be so strong. Nothing could break her icy exterior, but years of cruelty and pain had slowly chipped away till there was nothing less, and Phoebe was exposed once again to face her life. Her reality.  
  
Chandler raised his hand, wiping the tear away, wishing so badly that he could wipe away her sadness with it. He stared into her eyes, eyes which had seen more suffering than anyone should have, he didn't know what suffering but he could tell.  
  
His face moved closer to hers, her gaze settling on his, and finally their lips touched, and Phoebe felt a rush run through her whole body. Just as the kiss started to get more passionate, Phoebe jerked backwards.  
  
"I'm sorry – I... I just can't," she stuttered, before running from the apartment.  
  
Chandler sat frozen, his heart wanting to go after her, but his mind thinking how she was always running away from him. Maybe he should give up? Phoebe had been hurt so badly, would she ever let him get close, to know who she really is?  
  
Stuffing a cushion behind his head, he lay down on the couch, so many thoughts running through his head, but one stronger than all the others. He couldn't give up on her, not yet. Too many people had given up on Phoebe, and he refused to be one of them.  
  
***  
  
"She seemed ok, I guess," Joey shrugged, as Ross raised an eyebrow.  
  
"What?" he asked, glancing up as Monica entered the coffeehouse.  
  
"Nothing, what do you mean?" Joey said, trying to keep eye contact.  
  
"There's something you're not telling us... Mon, did you meet this girl?" Rachel asked, turning her attentions to Monica.  
  
"Phoebe? Yeah. I think she's homeless."  
  
"Homeless?" Rachel gasped. "That's awful"  
  
"Yep," Joey nodded.  
  
"How did he meet her, though?" Ross wondered out loud.  
  
"Long story." A voice came from behind them, and they turned to see Chandler there, he sat down gesturing to Gunther for a coffee.  
  
"Care to share?" Ross asked.  
  
"Yeah..." he sighed, "But I dunno where to start."  
  
"The beginning?" Joey suggested innocently, and as the others broke out with laughter, a confused look shot across his face. "What?"  
  
***  
  
She peered in through the window, seeing their faces bright and cheerful, her hand clinging to the door handle, willing herself to turn it, to go in and sit with them but unable to bring herself to. He was talking now, the others listening intently, she wanted to listen but the window was there. The glass, that ever present invisible barrier, separating her from friendship, from love.  
  
"You going in?" A gruff voice asked, and she snapped back to reality, to realise she was still paused at the door to the coffeehouse. Phoebe sighed, and with one last look at the 5 of them, she cemented her thoughts.  
  
She could never be part of that world.  
  
"Miss? You going in?" the man repeated.  
  
"Uh... no." 


	4. Full of Emptiness

A/n: Thanks for all your reviews, sorry this chapter is very short, but I wanted to get more published before I go back to school because updates will slow down a bit then.  
  
She ran her hand along the concrete, so cold and rough beneath her hand, harsh and unforgiving in the coldness of winter, but this path had been her home for so long. Not anymore. It was time to move on, away from everything... away from him.  
  
She had been foolish to let herself get so close.  
  
He knew where to find her here. She had to get away.  
  
A small tear ran down a cheek, desperate for an escape from the sadness of her eyes. It fell to the floor, splashing as it made contact.  
  
Phoebe stood up, brushing her hand over her face roughly, her eyes fixated on the tear, as someone walking past bumped into her, nearly knocking her sideways.  
  
"Sorry," they said, almost automatically, as they carried on.  
  
And Phoebe paused, before walking off down the path. "Yeah... me too."  
  
***  
  
"What's up?" Rachel asked, as she down next to Chandler at the coffeehouse, escaping the cold from outside.  
  
"Nothing... why?" Chandler asked suspiciously.  
  
"Just asking," Rachel said, stirring her coffee. "So how's Phoebe?" She almost winced as she said it, as if knowing Chandler was about to get angry.  
  
"I wouldn't know," he sighed wearily. "I couldn't find her."  
  
"Did you not try her hous..." Rachel trailed off, suddenly remembering that Phoebe had no real home. "Oh yeah... maybe she was just walking about?" she suggested optimistically, but Chandler rolled his eyes.  
  
"Oh come on Rach, you know as well I do that she's avoiding me." He lent his head on the back of the couch, releasing a heavy sigh.  
  
"You've got to find her."  
  
"And how do you suppose I do that?" he snapped, and Rachel looked taken back. "Sorry Rach... I know you're right, but there must be thousands of homeless people in this city, how am I going to find her?"  
  
"You have to try."  
  
"I know," Chandler said. "I'm going to."  
  
***  
  
She used to move around all the time, never staying in the same place too long. She travelled everywhere, hoping that if she looked enough places eventually she'd find what she was looking for.  
  
What was she looking for? Even Phoebe didn't know. Hope? Love?  
  
Happiness. All she wanted was the chances other people had been given.  
  
She stared around the back alley, which was dark and dingy. She grimaced as she saw a rat run across in the background, but her eyes were averted upwards.  
  
Squinting upwards, she saw that the alley was sheltered by the fire escape from one of the buildings.  
  
She turned around to face the street. It was extremely busy, everyone power- walking by, not taking a moment to peek into the darkness of the backstreets. It was cold, and damp, but it was sheltered. It was home.  
  
***  
  
He couldn't believe he was here.  
  
He sat on a bench, his eyes never moving from that corner on path where he had found her. She had to come back; he couldn't cope with never seeing her again.  
  
She had to come back, didn't she?  
  
***  
  
The first nightfall in her new home was the worst Phoebe had experience for many years.  
  
As darkness set over, a cold wind whipped through the alley, howling as it swept round the corner onto the main street. Rats scurried around, and she could feel their eyes on her, staring down this newcomer to their home. The walls of the buildings either side seem to stretch up forever, with no sign of sky, the darkness only increased the feeling of claustrophobia, as the walls seem to lean in, trapping her inside her own loneliness.  
  
Fear of closing her eyes, as all she could see was him. She couldn't look back- she had to move on.  
  
She knew he would try to find her, and no matter how much she tried to convince herself otherwise, deep down Phoebe wanted to be found. She didn't want to be alone anymore; she was tired of being empty and numb of any feeling but pain.  
  
But she couldn't let herself be hurt again.  
  
She couldn't let herself be found. 


	5. Small world

A/N: In response to the review that this is too sad, it is quite downbeat, but hang in there I'm not dragging it out too much but it has to be realistic, they wouldn't get together straight away,. Please review! Oh and sorry it's short but that felt like the right place to leave it.  
  
She used to walk around all day. She was a wanderer, she didn't like to settle. But not anymore. Phoebe sat, huddled in a small blanket, shivering. She hadn't eaten for a few days, and she knew that she needed to get some money. Fast.  
  
Her body aching, she shuffled to the end of the alley, leaning out into the street. She was suddenly blinded.  
  
The sun was beating down on New York un-relentlessly, but to Phoebe it was a welcome change from the months of wind and rain. She tilted her head upwards, letting the warmth rush over her face, releasing her from the feeling of numbness she had grown so used to.  
  
With an enormous effort she lifted herself from the ground, stepping out onto the sidewalk, allowing herself to be fully absorbed in the light. Spring was here, and Phoebe searched desperately to find the hope she had lost, praying silently that it would return with the sun.  
  
However, there was a still a thought, nagging deep inside of her, that the sun didn't bring food, or money, and that was what Phoebe really needed.  
  
There was only way she knew to get money, something she hadn't done in years. She hated herself for doing it, but she was running out of options.  
  
She had no choice.  
  
***  
  
"Yep," Rachel replied, down the phone. "They want me to stay late, I won't be home till about seven. I'll catch a cab."  
  
"Ok, see you then sweetie, love you," Ross said.  
  
"Bye honey."  
  
Rachel put down the phone, turning her attention to the window of her work at Bloomingdales, annoyed that the sun was shining and she was stuck inside till seven. She turned away from the glass and back to her computer.  
  
"Time to get on, I guess," she murmured with a sigh.  
  
***  
  
"Any luck sweetie?" Monica asked, as Chandler entered her apartment.  
  
She was worried about him, his eyes withdrawn, and his face pale. She had lost the Chandler she once knew, and only one person could help her get him back. Phoebe.  
  
"No... she's left the park. I waited all day; she must have gone somewhere else."  
  
"I'm sure you'll find her. Just... keep trying."  
  
The words sounded pathetic even as she said them, for she knew as well as Chandler did, the chances of him finding her were practically non-existent.  
  
"Sure," Chandler said after a pause. "Just keep trying..."  
  
***  
  
She stepped out onto the sidewalk, her eyes surveying the street in front of her, which was basically deserted.  
  
"Not a cab in sight," she said quietly to herself, before finally walking off. It was only a few blocks away, and she might as well walk.  
  
***  
  
Finally she saw someone, a woman, about the same age as herself.  
  
Perfect.  
  
Her grip tightening around the cool metal in her hand, her knuckles turning white. She willed herself onwards. She had to do this. She had no choice.  
  
Just as the woman approached her alleyway, she stepped out, her face hidden by her hood.  
  
"Give me your money," she said in a low tone, trying to avoid the woman's eyes, for fear of backing out.  
  
"Oh my god," the woman finally breathed out, she grabbed for her purse, hands shaking. "Hang on. Please, don't hurt me. Oh god!"  
  
Finally the woman found her money, giving it over; Phoebe grabbed it and ran off.  
  
Pausing as she dodged round the corner, Phoebe opened her hands, and examined the contents. $24.00 lay there, staring her in the face. This could get her food, she knew that, but even the sight of it disgusted her.  
  
What had she done?  
  
***  
  
"Ross?" Rachel cried as she ran into his apartment, bolting the door shut after her. "Ross? Oh god!" she said, out of breath having run the last few blocks. She fell into his arms as he came out of the bedroom.  
  
"Rach? What's wrong?"  
  
"I... I was..." She burst into tears. "I was just mugged." 


	6. Hiding from You

A/N – Sorry it was so long! School went crazy, thanks to all my reviewers and David for his advice and proofing skills.  
  
Chapter 6  
  
, "Oh my god," Ross held her tightly "Are you ok, what happened?"  
  
"I'm... I'm not sure..." Rachel said with a sob, as she sat on the couch, "I was just gonna walk home because there were no cabs, and then.... They jumped out at me."  
  
"Did you see them? We need to report it to the police,"  
  
"It... It doesn't matter Ross. It was only like $20, they'll never find them... I just feel so... scared."  
  
"I know," Ross kissed the top of her head gently, "But I'm here now."  
  
***  
  
The park wasn't safe at night, Phoebe knew that, but somehow she felt like she belonged here.  
  
As she sat on the ground, looking at the lake, she was glad she was back. She knew why she had let the park, she was running away from him, but this was her home, strange as it seemed to some people, she felt safe here.  
  
It was a clear night, and the moonlight danced on the slow ripples in the lake, causing shadows to flit around the grass where Phoebe sat. She picked up a small stone, twirling it around in her hands; it was so rough, so dirty, it reminded Phoebe of herself.  
  
With a tremendous effort she hurled the stone into the water, causing a stir of the water as it sent a small wave backwards, and Phoebe felt a wave of emotion rush through her.  
  
She missed him. It seemed strange, she had known him for such a little amount of time, but she missed him. His eyes, his smile. As she closed her eyes and pictured his face, she felt warmth surge through her. She wasn't running from Chandler anymore. She was running from herself.  
  
***  
  
"Sweetie that's awful," Monica hugged Rachel tightly, "Are you ok?"  
  
"Yeah... I guess, bit shaken up," Rachel said, with a sigh  
  
"Well that's to be expected," Monica replied after a pause, as Gunther handed them their coffee, "At least you weren't hurt. It could have been much worse."  
  
"Yeah, I know bu... Rachel trailed off as Chandler joined them; he gave a sympathetic smile to Rachel, knowing what had happened, and that she was probably tired of being asked about it.  
  
"You found her?" Monica asked, and Chandler shook his head with such weariness that Monica's heart nearly broke,  
  
"I'm gonna go back to the park later... after work."  
  
"Do you think she'll be there?"  
  
"Nope... but it's worth a try." Chandler said, as he stared into his mug of coffee, stirring the hot liquid with his spoon, hypnotised by it, he didn't hear Monica speaking, or Ross come in the door, he didn't hear the laugh bellow from the table next to them. He didn't hear anything. Except her.  
  
***  
  
He sat, shivers running down his spine. The moon was hiding behind the clouds, casting eerie shadows around the park. He knew she wouldn't be here, but it reminded him of her, and he couldn't let his memories of her fade away, he could never forget her. He walked slowly off the path, the trees whispering in the wind, taunting him. His brain racked with tiredness but he couldn't go home.  
  
"Chandler?" He heard a voice call softly from behind him, and he froze. Surely he was imagining it? It couldn't be her. He turned around,  
  
"Phoebe," He said, and a tear sprang to his eyes, "Where did you go?"  
  
"It doesn't matter..." She said "I'm back now." Slowly they returned to the path, and found an old bench in the shadows and sat down,  
  
"I thought I'd lost you." Chandler started to explain,  
  
"That's because I didn't want to be found." Phoebe said, as a gust of wind blew past, sending a shiver up her spine.  
  
"Move in with me." Chandler said, wincing as he said it, holding her so tightly for fear she would run away again, he couldn't let her go, not again.  
  
"What?" She said, desperately trying to ignore the screaming voice in her mind telling her to run, and not look back.  
  
"I can't leave you out here... I... I need you."  
  
"Oh..." The voice was slowly reducing, so it was no more than a mere whisper, "Ok."  
  
"Ok?" He pushed nervously, and Phoebe turned, giving him a weak smile, it was there for a just second before flickering away, but he caught it, and he knew the memory would stay with him forever,  
  
"Ok."  
  
***  
  
"Joe?" Chandler pushed open the door to their apartment, to see Joey laid out on the recliner, his attention fixed on Baywatch, "Joey?" Chandler asked again, to get no response; he walked over, flicking the TV off,  
  
"Dude! They were about to run."  
  
"This is more important," Chandler perched on the coffee table, facing his friend, who still had an indignant on his face.  
  
"What could be mor..." Shut up a second!" Chandler snapped, running his hands through his hair, "I've asked Phoebe to move in with us."  
  
"What? But... but you barely know her."  
  
"I know all I need to know, but I mean... are you ok with this man?" Joey paused watching Chandler, his hands fidgeting nervously as he subconsciously chewed his lip, but his eyes were, for the first time in so long, alive. Alive with happiness, the sparkle had returned, and that was all Joey needed.  
  
"Yeah, it's fine with me." Joey said finally, with a reassuring smile,  
  
"Thanks!" Chandler leapt up, embracing Joey in a hug,  
  
***  
  
She sat, staring out the window, the street, a cup of steaming coffee in her hand. A cool spring breeze ran in, tickling her face as the door opened and she looked up to see him.  
  
She was about to go to her first job interview. Although Chandler had offered to let her stay for free, she insisted on contributing to the monthly bills, she wasn't a charity case. Not anymore.  
  
"Ready?" He said with a grin, and Phoebe stood up, the aching in her body easing everyday,  
  
"Yep. Lets go."  
  
Please review. I know this sounds like it is wrapping up, but there's a bit more story left in it yet. After all you didn't think I'd completely forgotten that Phoebe mugged Rachel did you? I'll update quicker this time, you can hold me to that! 


	7. This is where I belong

A/N Yep look at me updating all quickly. And to Heather, nope you're wrong on nearly accounts –nods- All the stuff between the ~*~ is the song lyrics.  
  
Disclaimer: Yup I don't own any of them. There's also a song used in this chapter called "Is It You" by Dana Glover, and you guessed it I don't own that either.  
  
"You're kidding, right?" the man sniggered behind his form, and she felt a wash of sadness overtake her.  
  
"Well, I'm very eager to learn, and a hard worker."  
  
She made one last desperate attempt but seeing she was getting nowhere, she stood up, desperately trying to hold back the tears and managed a "Thanks for your time," before she ran out of the room.  
  
Six interviews. Six interviews in the past week, for every job imaginable, and she had been laughed out of all of them.  
  
He'd been so understanding, he said the right things, made her feel better, but the brick wall was slowly building up in between them.  
  
So many times she'd been rejected, by her father, her sister, her friends, now the interviews, yet it still stung as badly as it did the very first time.  
  
Defeated, she walked into his apartment, his turned to her, his eyes alight with hope, his face full of expectations, but Phoebe shook her head lightly.  
  
"I'm sorry," she said quietly, her gaze dropping to the ground, staring intently at her new shoes, so shiny and clean. They were beautiful, but they felt so alien on her feet.  
  
She didn't belong in this world. She didn't belong in any world.  
  
"Phoebe?"  
  
She vaguely heard his voice creeping into her mind, his voice was so filled with kindness and sincerity, but to Phoebe, this sudden overwhelming rush of emotions was too much. Her soul had lain numb for so long it couldn't cope.  
  
"I'm sorry," she whispered, and Chandler took a step forward, gently raising her eyes to meet his own, only to see her eyes a wash of sadness, filled with tears desperate to escape.  
  
He searched so desperately for a smile behind the sadness, but deep down he knew it wasn't there.  
  
As Phoebe turned and walked slowly from the apartment, shutting the door silently behind her, he let himself slumped to the floor, leaning back on the fridge for support.  
  
He so badly wanted to save her, to save Phoebe from herself, but he knew he could never do that if she didn't want to be saved.  
  
***  
  
She sat on the steps to the building, not having anywhere else to go.  
  
She sat watching the people as they walked past. Somewhere to go, someone to see. They meant something to somebody.  
  
Phoebe didn't. She was nobody.  
  
***  
  
They had all tried to accept Phoebe into the group unquestionably, for Chandler more than anything. It was clear to all of them that for some reason, this girl meant so much to him.  
  
She joined them in Central Perk and Monica's apartment, they invited her out with them, yet Rachel always got the distinct impression she'd rather be somewhere else.  
  
As she strolled along the street, clutching her shopping bags close to her, her nerves still not restored after her mugging, she became distinctly aware of someone watching her, trying to keep her calm her eyes flicked around, from one side of the street to another. That was when she saw her. The blonde hair was unmistakable, as she pushed it back behind her ears. Rachel saw a glimpse of a tear, as the sunlight bounced off it.  
  
"Phoebe?" she said, and walked over, placing herself next to Phoebe on the steps. "You okay?"  
  
"Uh... yeah."  
  
"You're gonna have to do better than that if you want to convince me," Rachel said, shocked to see a small smile break out over Phoebe's face.  
  
"Do you... do you ever feel like you don't belong?" she asked, squinting as the spring sunshine glared in her face.  
  
Rachel thought for a moment. "I used to. When I first moved in with Monica I guess... but after time the feeling goes away."  
  
"I suppose so."  
  
"Sorry, I'm not great at this sort of thing, you really need Monica..."  
  
"No... no you were a help... more than you know."  
  
With that Phoebe stood up, and paused for a moment, turning to look at the building. 'The feeling goes away.'  
  
And after all, love was just a feeling, right?  
  
She didn't belong here, with these people, in posh shiny shoes and a nice apartment. This wasn't her; she knew that; she just didn't know what was her.  
  
But that was something she'd have to find out on her own.  
  
And she started to walk down the street.  
  
***  
  
"Did you see which way she went?" Chandler said, as he met Rachel, still sat on the steps.  
  
"What?" Rachel mumbled.  
  
"Phoebe?" His voice rose with urgency. "Which way did she go?"  
  
"Leave her Chandler." Rachel stood up, grabbing his arm. "Please?" Chandler looked at Rachel's eyes, which were pleading with him, her face the picture of desperation. "Please?"  
  
"I... I can't," he sighed. "I'm sorry."  
  
Rachel gave a nod down the road. "That way," she sighed. "She went that way."  
  
"Thanks Rach," Chandler smiled. "Really."  
  
With that he dashed off after her.  
  
***  
  
~*~There is something that I see, In the way you look at me, There's a smile, there's a truth, In your eyes,~*~  
  
"Thought I might find you here," Chandler sat down next to Phoebe on the ground, where he had first seen her, what seemed like years ago.  
  
"You know me too well." Phoebe smiled.  
  
"I don't know you at all." Chandler looked at her, his face worried, but his eyes giving away his happiness as they sparkled a sea of blue.  
  
~*~But in an unexpected way, On this unexpected day, Could it be this is where I belong? Is it you I have loved all along?~*~  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"What for?" Chandler replied plainly, and Phoebe was at a loss for words.  
  
"Uh... for running away... again."  
  
"Oh, then I'm sorry. For coming after you again."  
  
"Don't apologise... I never expected... I mean..."  
  
"Phoebe," he said softly, "Listen, I don't know what it is... but I can't... I need to be with you. I'm different when I'm with you. I'm not ready to give that up. I'm not ready to give you up."  
  
Phoebe didn't reply. Small droplets of rain began to fall, and Phoebe leaned in, so close that even the rain couldn't pass between the two. She could feel his breath on her face, warm and tingly, his eyes so close they were just a blur.  
  
~*~No more mystery, it is finally clear to me, You're the home my heart searched for so long, It is you I have loved all along.~*~  
  
"Promise me something," she murmured, their lips almost touching. "Never give up on me."  
  
"Promise," Chandler said, a smile breaking out over his face, relieving it of worry. With that he pressed his lips against hers, and for the first time, he saw the real Phoebe. There she was, exposed, just as she was, and he loved her just the same.  
  
~*~There were times I ran to hide, Afraid to show the other side, Alone in the night, without you.~*~  
  
"Phoebe." He pulled back momentarily, "I love you," he said, shocking even himself as he said it, but hearing the words out loud, nothing had ever sounded so right in his life, and he knew at that moment he was speaking the truth.  
  
~*~Now I know just who you are, And I know you hold my heart, Finally this is where I belong, It is you I have loved all along.~*~  
  
"Chandler," she mumbled, terrified of saying the words she had hidden from for so long, but knowing that now, the time had finally come, "I love you too."  
  
***  
  
"Monica?" Rachel burst into her apartment. "Mon, you here?"  
  
Monica walked out of her bedroom. "What's wrong sweetie?"  
  
"Monica... it was her... it was Phoebe..."  
  
"What was?" Monica asked, confusedly, and Rachel took a breath.  
  
"My mugger... it was her." REVIEW!!! 


	8. Lying eyes

A/N Ok so it was a while before update again but in my defence I had a Spanish exam. Massive thanks to David who made me continue this chapter and proofed it –flumps-  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, in fact I don't own anything. Oh except Em, cos she's my little Pippin spiff  
  
"What?" Monica gasped. "How can you be sure?"  
  
"I recognised her voice," Rachel said, visibly shaking as Monica handed her a glass of water.  
  
"Here sweetie," she said, sitting next to her. "How... how come you didn't recognise before?"  
  
"I don't know... I'd never really spoken to her that much, but she was sort of speaking really quietly and it just clicked... I can't believe I've been living across the hall from her, oh my god."  
  
A nervous pause hung in the air, before Rachel spoke again.  
  
"We've got to tell Chandler."  
  
"Will he believe us? He... he loves her. What if he thinks we're lying? He might not believe us..."  
  
"He has to." Rachel sighed. "He just has to."  
  
***  
  
The light filtered into her mind, as she woke slowly, the covers pulled up around her neck, enveloping her in the warmth. But as her eyes flickered open once again, she saw his face, so peaceful as he slept, a small smile on his face, and she knew that she would never feel cold again.  
  
Reluctantly she climbed out, opening the blinds to let in the pleasant spring sunshine, wrapping his dressing gown round her shoulders. She inhaled his scent, feeling at home.  
  
She padded into the living room, where the window was open, letting a small breeze flutter though the apartment. As she poured herself a glass of orange juice, she let out a contended sigh, looking round the apartment.  
  
She had never dreamed she could be here.  
  
Her mind faded back to her nights on the streets, her tears gliding down her numb face, leaving streaks of moonlight across her face, desperately trying to remain hopeful, but years of bleakness can bury the spring of anyone's happiness.  
  
She had never imagined that she would find someone to love her, love her in a way she had never felt before.  
  
Love her because of who she was.  
  
"Morning beautiful," Chandler smiled as he saw Phoebe, her blonde hair cascading over her shoulders, deep in thought.  
  
She looked up, a smile breaking over her face.  
  
"Morning," she said.  
  
"Sleep well?" he asked, and Phoebe paused, thinking of the hours she had lain awake just reliving that evening in her head.  
  
Eventually she spoke,  
  
"Perfectly."  
  
***  
  
He pushed open the door casually, to see his five friends chatting animatedly on the couch.  
  
"Hi guys," he said, joining them, and they froze.  
  
"Um... hi." Ross said after a pause, sending Rachel a meaningful look. It lasted just a second but Rachel's eyes flashed with fear.  
  
"What's going on?" Chandler questioned, and again the silence fell over the group, all of them looking at each other expectantly.  
  
"How's Phoebe?" Joey asked, leaning forward, the sun from outside catching the side of his face, exposing the worried look, which seemed so out of place across Joey's features.  
  
"Fine... great. Guys... is something wrong?"  
  
"Rach..." Monica said softly.  
  
"Not now," came the hushed reply.  
  
"You've got to..." Monica began, but was abruptly interrupted by Rachel standing up.  
  
"I said not now," Rachel hissed, in a firm voice, before walking out the door.  
  
Chandler didn't let ten seconds pass before jumping up and following her. He had to know. Ross went to go with him, but Monica laid a hand on his arm.  
  
"Leave them," she said.  
  
***  
  
"Rach?" Chandler walked into apartment 20, scanning quickly around.  
  
"Yeah?" her voice echoed out from her bedroom, as she walked into the apartment.  
  
"What was that about?"  
  
"What was what...?" Rachel said feigning innocence, as her heart pounded in her chest.  
  
Chandler paused, staring at his friend; she gave a quick smile, which faltered as he continued to look at her.  
  
"Rach," he said. "Please?"  
  
"Promise you'll let me finish," she said quietly, sitting down on the couch. "Promise you'll believe me."  
  
"Well I don't know what it..."  
  
"Promise me," Rachel said, a tone of finality in her voice, her eyes avoiding his as they focused on the coffee table.  
  
"Okay," Chandler said slowly, noticing for the first time that Rachel's hand was quivering with nervousness.  
  
"Um... it's Phoebe... I mean... it was Phoebe..." Rachel stammered. "She mugged me."  
  
Her eyes rose from the table to meet Chandler's. A blue mix of emotions. She waited for a response. Eventually he stood up.  
  
"You're lying!" he said, sounding more upset than angry. "Why would you say that?"  
  
"Because it's the truth," Rachel said, before lowering her voice to a whisper. "You promised you'd believe me."  
  
"She wouldn't do that... she's not like that."  
  
"Why would I lie?" Rachel's voice raised, her eyes filling with tears. "What would I gain?"  
  
"I don't know!" Fury pumped through Chandler's veins. "Maybe you're jealous."  
  
"Oh, of what?" Rachel spat. "Why don't you listen to what I'm saying? It was her."  
  
"Shut up!" Chandler shouted, and the door burst open, as Chandler and Rachel stood, barely a foot apart.  
  
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Ross said, pushing Chandler away, and standing in front of Rachel protectively.  
  
"I'm sorry Chandler," Rachel sobbed, and Ross wrapped his arms around her.  
  
As the 5 of them stood there in silence, broken only by the sobs from Rachel, none of the noticed her at the door.  
  
Her heart broke as she saw the scene before her. The shouts having attracted her attention, she saw Chandler breathing deeply, rubbing his arm; Monica and Joey looking on in amazement as Ross comforted Rachel.  
  
This is what she'd done. She'd been part of their lives for a few weeks and already she'd torn them apart.  
  
She stared intently at Chandler's face, the anger slowly being taken over by sadness, regret. He looked away from Rachel shamefully, and Phoebe caught his eye.  
  
"Phoebe," he said softly, and suddenly all eyes were on her, and she turned to go. "No... wait." He ran to the door, holding her shoulder gently, he turned to Rachel. "I'm sorry Rachel... I didn't... I can't..."  
  
She nodded sadly, and he took Phoebe by the hand, closing the door behind them. Closing the door on his friends.  
  
"What was that about?" Phoebe said, knowing the answer all to well.  
  
"A lie," Chandler said, the bitterness drowning his words, and Phoebe closed her eyes, and the image flashed across her face.  
  
It was Rachel. Scared, fearful and alone.  
  
It was Rachel. She'd tried so hard to block it from her mind, but she couldn't deny it anymore.  
  
It was Rachel, who had been walking along the street that night, Rachel who had seen the moonlight glint on the metal in her hand.  
  
She opened her eyes, to see Chandler looking at her worriedly. He'd left his friends for her. She knew she had to tell him the truth. That it was her; that Rachel wasn't lying.  
  
But she sighed, remembering how happy she had felt that morning. She hadn't felt happiness in so long. Rachel had Ross, she had Monica and Joey.  
  
Phoebe needed Chandler. Chandler had her.  
  
She took one last look at the door before finally whispering, "Oh."  
  
She couldn't tell him. She couldn't lose him. He was all she had. 


	9. Sorry seems to be the hardest word

A/N Here ya go. Thanks for the great reviews on the last chapter, you guys make my day. I struggled a bit with this one so I hope it's ok. Thanks to David for proofing, love you!  
  
He stared upwards, the dull white ceiling looming every closer. He could hear her breathing, her eyes clamped shut.  
  
The room filled with a dusky grey light, the sun still having not risen from its hiding place beneath the buildings.  
  
The low monotonous hum of traffic could be heard, as the city began to stir. He heard a small sigh coming from beside him.  
  
"Morning," a voice murmured, and he felt her hand on his.  
  
"Morning," he replied quietly. After a moment, he felt her leave the bed, her footsteps padding towards the bathroom.  
  
His eyes never left the ceiling.  
  
***  
  
"He must have said which hotel?" Monica hissed to Joey, who shrugged.  
  
"I told you that was all he said. He's at a hotel, and he'll collect his stuff soon."  
  
As Monica began to reply, Rachel walked out of her bedroom, and she stopped herself just in time.  
  
Chandler had left just two days ago, and Rachel still got upset at the mention of his name, convinced it was her fault.  
  
"Don't stop on my account," she said, and the two looked embarrassed. "It's ok... we have to talk about him, I know..." A tear sprung to her eye, and she wiped it away quickly. "What were you saying?"  
  
"Oh... I was just telling Monica that he's at a hotel," Joey repeated. "But he's going to be coming back for his stuff."  
  
"Then that's it? He's gone?" Rachel said. "You guys, what are we gonna do? We can't just let him leave... because of me..."  
  
"Sweetie, it's not your fault." Monica wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulder. "He needed to know the truth; maybe he just hasn't realised that yet."  
  
***  
  
Two days.  
  
48 hours.  
  
48 hours ago they had walked out of that apartment.  
  
48 hours ago he had lost his friends. He had lost himself.  
  
Her voice swilled around in his mind.  
  
"It was Phoebe.... She mugged me."  
  
He faced a battle within himself. He loved Phoebe. She would never do something like that. She couldn't. Rachel must have made a mistake... but, why would she have said anything if she wasn't sure...  
  
"Chandler?" Phoebe's voice snapped him out of his thoughts. "Are you alright? You've been really quiet..."  
  
"I was thinking," he snapped.  
  
"Oh." Phoebe fell silent. "Um..."  
  
She knew she should tell him, and this fact was slowly eating her up inside. She could see he was miserable, she knew she'd caused this but somehow... she couldn't bring herself to say goodbye to him yet.  
  
"I'm going to work," he said, leaning in and giving her a quick kiss. "I'll see you later?" He said it almost questionably, and she nodded reassuringly. "I'll be back about six," he said, before walking out the door.  
  
As the door shut, she walked to the window, looking out on the street below. So many bustled along the street, surrounded by people, and as she looked around the cramped hotel room, she longed to be one of them.  
  
Having no where to go, she yanked the curtains shut across the window, blocking off the outside world, casting a dim shadow across the room. She lay down on the bed, her eyes closing, but all she could see was he. His face, overcome with sadness, at the thought of losing his friends.  
  
She'd done that to him.  
  
How could she live with herself? How could she hurt him?  
  
***  
  
"Chandler?"  
  
His co-worker eyed him quizzically.  
  
"Oh... sorry what?" Chandler rubbed his eyes wearily.  
  
"Have you got those numbers?"  
  
"Yeah, sure."  
  
And he pushed them over his desk, staring blankly at the screen, the rows of numbers merging together. He half heard his colleague give a casually 'Bye' but made no reply.  
  
His eyelids heavy, since he had got no sleep last night, he leaned back in his chair, shutting his eyes, hoping he could block out the sounds of his office, the bright fluorescent lights, which glared down over him angrily.  
  
As soon as the blackness of his eyelids soothed his mind, flashes of his friends began to tease him, flickering for a just a moment before fading away again.  
  
He missed them. He had phoned, to let them know he was ok. Joey's voice on the answering machine, made his heart pang. He was planning to go back after work. He had purposely picked a time when he hoped none of them would be around, although part of him ached to see them one last time.  
  
Just to say goodbye.  
  
***  
  
Her thoughts stirred, as she awoke, the pillow damp from her tears.  
  
She pushed her hair back from her face, glancing around the dingy hotel room. It was warm, the bed was comfy, and she had eaten just 2 hours ago. Yet Phoebe couldn't remember when she had last felt so unhappy. She knew why, she had no one to blame but herself. He had been living a life. He had his friends, an apartment, a job.  
  
She was snatching that away bit by bit.  
  
Happiness didn't suit Phoebe, she realised now.  
  
But this didn't mean she could drag Chandler down to be miserable with her. He deserved more. She loved him too much to do that to him.  
  
***  
  
The stairs he'd climbed so many times, now seemed mountainous. He paused at the last step, listening intently for voices. But all he could hear was the overbearing silence.  
  
He walked up. Apartment 19. His home.  
  
But it didn't feel like it now. It wasn't his home anymore.  
  
The door clicked open, as it always did, and he smiled to himself as he looked around. Joey couldn't have been here much since he left. The plates were still in the sink, the laundry still on his chair.  
  
With an inner grin he muttered, "Guess Mon hasn't been here either."  
  
Hurrying to his bedroom, he opened his closet, grabbing what he needed. But a voice made him freeze.  
  
"Well, Ross said to meet him at 7." Joey's voice wafted into Chandler's bedroom.  
  
"Oh okay," he heard Rachel sigh. "This place stinks Joey," she moaned, and Chandler could practically picture her scrunched up nose.  
  
"Yeah... I haven't got round to cleaning up much since... y'know. Don't tell Monica!"  
  
Rachel laughed. "Speaking of Mon, I'd better go check she's ready."  
  
"Okay." Joey sighed, his eyes glancing wistfully towards Chandler's bedroom door, he walked over. He hadn't been inside since he'd left. Unable to bring himself to.  
  
"Joey." A voice came from inside, and Joey took a step backwards.  
  
"Dude! You nearly killed me!" he exclaimed, as Chandler walked into the living room.  
  
Joey looked at him, his face pale, eyes withdrawn. He didn't know where he'd gone since he left, but he wasn't happy. It didn't take a genius to work that out.  
  
Chandler gave a weak smile, which looked so alien on his face, and faded quickly. "Just getting my stuff," he said, offering an explanation for his return.  
  
"Come back," Joey said bluntly, and Chandler's head dropped.  
  
"I can't. I need her," he whispered.  
  
"I need you," the reply came. "It's not the same without you. Nothing is."  
  
"I'm sorry," was all that was replied, and Chandler, his bag over his shoulder, gave Joey a nod. "Bye," he said, trying to smile, and failing.  
  
As Joey stood there, unsure what to do next, Chandler walked towards the door. As he entered the hallway, Rachel came out from Monica's apartment. They both stopped, neither meeting each other's eyes.  
  
Both searching for something to say, before realising there was nothing.  
  
With a sigh, so heavy for his age, Chandler walked past her to the stairs. Not wanting to leave, but realising he couldn't stay.  
  
***  
  
He swung the door open, his bag landing on the bed with a thump.  
  
"Phoebe?" His voice echoed hauntingly around the empty apartment, the street below seemingly silent. His eyes gazed around; the curtains drawn shut, the glow of the city outside, battling to get inside.  
  
Then he saw it. On the bed.  
  
Fighting his fear, he picked it up, his eyes scanning the words, smudged by tears.  
  
Desperate to break the silence screaming in his ears, he whispered the words that lay in front of him.  
  
"I can't live a lie. I love you, probably more than you'll ever know. Tell Rachel I'm sorry."  
  
She was gone. He was alone. It was over. 


	10. Losing the Past

A/N Thanks for all your reviews guys! Keep them coming! This fic is nearly at the end now, about 2 more chapters to go. This chapter you find a little bit more about Phoebe's background, just me trying to give a bit more support for why she's so out of character. Thanks to David for proofing, love you!  
  
A light gust of wind flickered past her face, tickling her cheeks.  
  
The sky, clear and blue, interrupted only by a haze of thin clouds that danced across the sky.  
  
A burst of laughter came from across the park, reaching her ears in snatches. The sun glinted off the grass teasingly, causing glimmers of light to flit around.  
  
Two girls walked past, their faces alight with sunshine, their chatter filling the air. She turned her head away, the sun catching her tears, as they streamed silently down her face.  
  
Her knees were hunched up, her arms hugging them tightly, protectively. She tried so desperately to block it all out, but she couldn't escape. Their happiness was suffocating her.  
  
***  
  
Joey looked at him. His eyes withdrawn, and tired. He hadn't got dressed in days; he hadn't eaten since yesterday morning. He barely spoke, if only to get angry.  
  
As Joey watched with sadness, Chandler pushed his cereal around the bowl, seeming almost hypnotized by it. He looked up, catching Joey's eyes.  
  
"Joey," he said, in a sullen tone.  
  
"Uh... yeah?" Joey replied nervously, wanting to break their eye contact, but not daring to.  
  
"Do me a favour. Stop staring at me." With that he slammed down his spoon, pushing his bowl roughly towards the sink. The milk slopped over the side, and Chandler's eyes glanced at the mess on the side, before returning to Joey, who gave a sorrowful glance before returning to his bedroom.  
  
With a sigh, which didn't suit his young age, Chandler let his body slip to the floor, leaning on the fridge.  
  
He saw them, watching him all the time, as if wanting to say something but not sure what to say. He didn't want them to say anything, he wanted to be alone. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a small voice told him he was being unreasonable, but it was quickly crushed with a louder voice, screaming 'I don't care!'  
  
He let his head fall backwards, banging against the fridge, the coolness against the back of his head numbing his thoughts.  
  
His mind blank, he sat, staring at the wall. Thinking of nothing, and hoping he could stay that way forever.  
  
***  
  
"Is he any better?" Ross asked, as he, Joey and Rachel sat in Central Perk.  
  
"No... when I left, he was asleep by the fridge... I think he was asleep anyway. He didn't say anything."  
  
"Hmm...." Ross sighed, his hand holding Rachel's he traced a circle on her palm with his thumb subconsciously. He said after a pause, "This is getting ridiculous."  
  
"Well what can we do?" Joey shrugged. "I'm sure it'll get better... it has to... right?"  
  
"I've had enough of this." Rachel stood up, running her hand through her hair quickly. "I'm going to find her."  
  
"Phoebe?" Joey exclaimed. "Are you crazy?"  
  
"No." Rachel said slowly, "I can't believe I didn't do it before. I need to talk to her."  
  
"Rachel, you can't. It's not safe. She's not safe!" Ross stood up, grabbing her arm protectively.  
  
"Ross, its broad daylight! I'm not gonna creep up on her in a dark alley, am I?" Rachel sighed. "I need to do this."  
  
***  
  
Her head lay on the grass, the sun burning through her eyelids, which were clamped shut. She had stopped crying, but the tearstains on her face gave her away. One look in those eyes would tell she was unhappy.  
  
The sky had clouded over slightly, as the humidity rose. An evening breeze swept over the park, deliciously cool across her face.  
  
"Phoebe."  
  
The voice made her freeze. She recognised it instantly.  
  
Keeping her eyes closed, she murmured, "What? What do you want?"  
  
Rachel watched her, knowing she was waiting for an answer, but Rachel didn't have one. Why had she come here?  
  
She'd spent two hours searching the park, the day fading into night, and now as she stood here staring at her she had nothing to say. For the first time Rachel really felt silence.  
  
The park was emptying, as the clouds grew overhead, the birds hushed down, as though they were listening, waiting for her response. Her mind blank, the silence overpowering.  
  
Rachel stammered, "I don't know."  
  
Finally Phoebe's eyes flicked open; they were bloodshot, and flashing with anger.  
  
"Well you must want something? I'm guessing this isn't a visit for a quick chat?"  
  
"You're right. I do want something. I want to see Chandler happy," Rachel replied sharply, her anger bubbling up inside her.  
  
"I can't.... It's not that easy," Phoebe sighed, propping herself up on her elbows, struggling as if the weight of the world was on her shoulders.  
  
"I know you mugged me," Rachel said firmly, though the shake in her voice gave her away. "You know. Chandler knows."  
  
"You don't understand." Phoebe said, her eyes fixating on a blade of grass, watching as is twisted in the wind, she grabbed it, pulling it from the ground, and letting it go. Watching it flutter off towards the path.  
  
"Phoebe... I know Chandler... I've never seen him so unhappy. He'd forget about it... everything that's happened, he'd move on."  
  
"You don't know that," Phoebe said, and Rachel paused. Phoebe was right, she didn't know that, but she needed to get them to talk.  
  
"You have to talk to him," she pressed desperately.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"He needs you."  
  
"Well maybe I don't need him!" Phoebe's eyes blazed dangerously, and Rachel froze nervously. "Maybe... maybe I don't."  
  
"Listen, I know I can't understand. I can't understand why you had to mug me, or why you ran away from Chandler. I probably never will. But... I understand that you were happy when you with him, you were different."  
  
"Did you have lunch today?" The question, posed so calmly caught Rachel off guard, she eyed up Phoebe, as though searching for the trick behind the question.  
  
"Yes." She answered slowly, unsure of what was to follow.  
  
"I didn't." Her voice echoed coldly around the now nearly empty park. "You know what I've eaten since I ran from that hotel room?"  
  
"No," Rachel admitted.  
  
"A sandwich, yesterday morning."  
  
"Oh," Rachel murmured blankly, "When you left the hotel, I know you were feeling guilty...."  
  
"Guilty," Phoebe interrupted. "Yeah... I was. But it was more than that... I was scared."  
  
"Scared?" Rachel asked, her body still prickling with nerves, as she fidgeted nervously.  
  
"Of him finding out. I knew he would eventually. Secrets are always found out eventually. If he found out... knowing I had lied to him... I would have lost him. I couldn't bear being hurt again." As she said these words, she flung her head away from Rachel, but even as she did Rachel could have sworn she saw the glimpse of a tear.  
  
"But... you lost him anyway."  
  
"I know," Phoebe said, the sadness weighing down the words to almost a whisper. "But I couldn't... I didn't want to see his face... to see how much I hurt him." As the last two words escaped her mouth, she gave up all pretence and broke down into sobs. "I've hurt too many people."  
  
"I'm sure you..."  
  
"You're sure?" Phoebe spat, her blonde hair whipping in the wind, "I was 13, Rachel. Thirteen. When you were prancing around school with your cheerleading outfit and your boyfriends." The contempt rising up inside of her, Phoebe's words grew louder. "I was sitting on the street, with no family, wondering if I'd ever be happy again."  
  
"It must have been awful..." Rachel said, the words sounding pathetic even to her own ears, but to Phoebe's they were positively insulting. She looked away, up the sky, as the sun retreated behind the trees, leaving streaks of red across the sky, tinting the clouds purple.  
  
"It was," she said bitterly. "At least at first. But me and my pathetic positive outlook." As her eyes met Rachel's the sky reflected in them, made them glow with anger. "Everything will be alright, I'd smile, and I used to write songs..."  
  
"Why did you stop?"  
  
"I had to sell my guitar. After a few years my priorities clicked through, I realised singing doesn't keep you alive," she laughed, a dry, hollow laughed that rang out loudly. "Things changed. As if the guitar was the only thing keeping me happy. I clang to it; it was all I had left of when I was young."  
  
As she spoke Rachel looked on with sadness, she knew Phoebe had been homeless, she knew this city was bursting with people without homes to go to, but she had never really thought about it, their stories.  
  
"That was when I came here. I love it here." Phoebe sighed wistfully, looking around. "It's nearly always filled with people, something to take my mind off the truth. But.... You can't hide forever. Eventually I'd be alone... like I am now."  
  
"I'm here," Rachel offered gently, starting to realise how Chandler had fallen for this girl so quickly. When she wasn't angry, her eyes filled with intrigue, like pools of mystery.  
  
"For how long?" Phoebe posed the question, not expecting an answer, but she got one, she got an answer that she never could have dreamed of.  
  
"Until you're ready to come with me," Rachel replied simply, managing a weak smile. It faded quickly from her face, as though blown away by the wind, but Phoebe caught it, and although no smile appeared on her face, her eyes glittered in the dusky light which clouded the park.  
  
Someone else had placed their hope in her. One other person wasn't ready to forgive up on Phoebe just yet.  
  
"Okay," she said quietly, and Rachel looked up.  
  
"What?" She had been expecting more of a battle.  
  
"Let's go. But... but... I'm not promising anything, but you're right. He deserves an explanation. If nothing more."  
  
So Rachel, helping Phoebe to her feet, led the way back the path, as Phoebe glanced round, taking one last look at the park, now almost absorbed by darkness, her face, hidden by the shadow, broke out into a small smile, and she turned back to Rachel, who was waiting on the path.  
  
"Ready?" she asked, and Phoebe gave a small nod, returning to Rachel, where the two of them began to slowly walk down the path, leaving the park behind them. 


	11. Somebody

A/N Well we've reached the end! Yup, this is the last chapter, so please review and tell me what you think. Thanks for reading, and thanks to David for proofing and advising me the whole way though 

Disclaimer: Yup… still don't own any of them. Oh and the song used is 'You're my home' by Billy Joel and I don't own that either. But I do own David, cos I claimed him -evil laugh-

The city had slowly been absorbed by the darkness, he watched as light filtered out through windows, like stars setting the city alight. He must have been staring out of this window for hours, but he couldn't bring himself to move, hypnotised by the moonlight, even blinking seemed to be a strain. 

Just then the light flicked on in the apartment, and Chandler's eyes, used to the darkness, winced in pain. He didn't look round. Joey must be home. Chandler didn't want to talk to him. Or anyone.

"Chandler." A soft voice called from behind him, and his stomach flipped. He must be imagining it. He didn't want to look round, for fear she wouldn't be there, but yet knew he could no longer resist the chance to see her face.

"Hi," she whispered, tears in her eyes, as he got up and turned to face her. 

He saw Rachel stood in the doorway. She offered him a slight smile before closing the door, leaving the two of them alone.

"You came back," he murmured, unable to take his eyes away from hers. "Why?"

"Rachel," Phoebe replied, and then let her gaze drop to the ground. "I talked to her for a while…"

"Oh?" Chandler said, his eyes flicking towards the door with interest.

"I'm sorry, Chandler." A voice, sounding so small, wafted into his ears, and he looked back at her, from beneath her folds of blonde hair, hanging in front of her face. He saw a small tear drop to the floor. It splashed as it hit the surface, scattering. 

"What for?" he asked. "For mugging Rachel, or for lying about it?" 

There was little anger in his voice, although it seemed more sympathetic, but the question hit Phoebe hard, she felt as though she had been slapped round the face. 

She let out a small sob, and Chandler felt over come with guilt. 

"Phoebe, listen to me…" he began, raising her head so his eyes met hers, "I know now… you don't have to lie anymore. Everyone knows…. We can move on."

"That's was what Rachel said," Phoebe murmured, as Chandler took a step towards her. "But… you have to understand…. I can't…" she stammered, her head pounding with pain as she tried to get her thoughts straight. She saw the moonlight glimmering across the couch, casting shadows around the room.

"Shhh," he comforted, his hand reaching for hers, their fingers entwining. 

"I just want to forget…. forget it all." 

"I know," he said, in a hushed voice. "But you can't expect to forget it all straight away…" 

"Yeah, not straight away," she echoed thoughtfully. "About Rachel… you know I'd never… not anymore." 

Chandler looked at her face, and felt that small doubt in the back of his mind fade away, the corners of her mouth lifted slightly into a smile, which spread across her face to her eyes. Staring at her, he knew she was telling the truth. She'd changed. 

"Okay." 

He mirrored her smile, and she leaned over, her lips meeting his, and for the first time in days Chandler felt a wash of happiness overtake him.

***

"Here you are, guys." 

Gunther offered them their coffees as the six of them sat around at Central Perk. 

The clouds were gathering outside, giving the coffee house a dingy feel, but as Phoebe sat nervously in the corner she hardly noticed. 

Rachel gave her a warm smile, which meant more to Phoebe than the reactions of the other three put together, but still, the glimmer of hostility in Joey's greeting had dampened her spirits. She caught him sharing a look with Chandler, and Joey gave a nod. 

"So I said to Carl…" 

Ross was embarking on a story from work, and Phoebe watched, as Joey slumped down into his chair, his attention clearly elsewhere. Chandler was absentmindedly browsing a newspaper; Rachel and Monica raised eyebrows at each other, and seemed to settle down, as if knowing Ross was going to continue for quite a while. 

Phoebe watched this with interest, the feeling of being an outsider starting to creep over her again, taunting her, when Rachel turned to her, and gave the smallest nod towards Ross, and a little roll of her eyes. 

Such a small gesture; but Phoebe felt relief flood through her body. She was part of their lives. 

She turned towards Ross, who was powering onwards with his story, seemingly oblivious to the fact his audience's minds were elsewhere; but Phoebe smiled, absorbing every word he said, but in the back of her mind one thought repeating over and over. 

She was part of their lives. 

 ***

They hurried into the apartment; dripping wet having only run from the coffee house to their building, but the rain was hammering downward. The lights still switched off, the dusky light from outside highlight Chandler's smile, as he wandered into the bedroom. Their bedroom.  

The two of them got ready for bed in silence, words seem to be unnecessary, as Phoebe replayed the days events in her head, still finding it hard to believe they were true, but knowing, every time she caught his eye that they were.

"I love you," Chandler grinned, giving her a kiss, as she lay her head down on the pillow.

"I love you too," she murmured, and as Chandler drifted off into a doze she whispered, "More than you'll ever know." 

***

She woke up quite suddenly, her eyes glancing around the room. They flicked towards the clock. It was five in the morning. 

The storm had obviously passed, as the dawn sun broke into the room, she looked at him, an gave an inward smile, before returning her gaze to the window where she could see the sun bouncing off the buildings, darting happily around the city. 

"What you doing?" 

She heard his voice, and turned to see him watching her through bleary eyes, his hair messy he stifled a yawn.

_When you look into my eyes  
And you see the crazy gypsy in my soul  
It always comes as a surprise  
When I feel my withered roots begin to grow_

"Thinking," she smiled.

 _Well I never had a place that I could call my very own  
That's all right, my love, 'cause you're my home_

"What about?" he asked.

_When you touch my weary head  
And you tell me everything will be all right  
You say, "Use my body for your bed  
And my love will keep you warm throughout the night"  
  
_

Even as he spoke, his head was returning to the pillow, his eyes already shut.

_Well I'll never be a stranger and I'll never be alone_

_Whenever we're together, that's my home  
  
_

Phoebe smiled, his mind already drifting off to sleep. He barely heard her answer; but quietly it came. 

_Well I never had a place that I could call my very own  
That's all right, my love, 'cause you're my home_

"You."


End file.
